I really hate being scared. Really.
I feel so weak and unable. I can’t do a thing in the world, cause my whole body is frozen. I want to go that extra mile and prove myself, but that fear just holds me back. Sht man sht,I hate being scared.
I’ve missed so many chances in my life; in the end, I’m left to regret about them everyday. ‘Maybe, if I had paid more attention to that person, or spent the time to know that person, I would’ve been happier.’ If I had taken the initiative at that time, I wouldn’t feel like this right now.
What I hate even more is how this cowardice is affecting every aspect of my life. With people I meet, to issues that matter, and even my hobbies. Everything I enjoy, I can’t enjoy to the fullest- I’m just too scared. I just make up excuses to myself and others for not being able to go there and do that, and look here, we have a liar and a scaredy-cat. A perfect combination. Someone who’ll never leave their shell and lie to keep on going.
Just so you know, I only started to want to write this up when I was working on a picture. I was looking at it thinking, ‘Yeeeeah! It’s looking pretty good. 
Ahh—! But I wish I could do something to make it more… awesome.’ As soon as I tried adding a whole new color, I freaked out and went over it, making sure it was like it never existed. I didn’t even give it a chance in the picture, and now when I look at the spot with the color, I get angry. Why couldn’t I just leave it there, and see how it turned out? Cause I’m a fucking scaredy cat. And it really pisses me off.
Why can’t I just be more expressive? ‘I really, really dislike you, so please go away,’ or ‘I really like you, please stay longer!’ I wish I was a little more black and white about everything, cause right now, everything is a sad blur. (Oh, so emo sounding XD) Sure, some people complain that maybe their too blunt about everything, and I understand how that can go so wrong, but it sure looks a lot better than being so scared about everything. Talk about paranoid. >__>”
Even now I’m being scared. I can’t even talk about this with anyone IRL, cause of course, I’m too afraid. In the end, I just giving people an idea of myself that I probably really aren’t..? [Bad sentence, gotta reword that, LOL] [In the end, everyone looks at me as something I'm not, THERE!] Some people might see me as confident, and I’m so far from that. Some might see me as totally out there in my own world, but no, I’m much more down to earth than you think. My annoying habit of barely talking and understanding people makes it so hard for me to portray the right message. What do I get out of all this? A bunch of regrets.
And even though I know all this, I seem to barely try. I want to try, I try to try, but it doesn’t seem very effective. Everything just feels the same, or even worse, it’s all going in the wrong direction. I’m being more and more alienated from everything and everyone I love. Greaaaaat. Way to start life, amrite?
I’ll keep on trying, for the sake of myself, and I can only stat positive about all this. I want to stop beating myself up over this, but old habits really die hard. But I know that at the very least, if someone else is trying really out there, than maybe I can too. Maybe I can get over being scared, and just be comfortable with my life. Maybe.
[Today, I'm gonna spend the day with my mommy. It might not sound weird, but if you know anything about me, it really is. Seeing as how, for maybe twelve years of my life, I was scared shitless of her. How I used to, and still can't feel comfortable with her. I want to take this chance and prove to her that I really do love her, and I can be a good daughter. Here's to my chance!]
-No emo love for you!
